Hoof notes

Just had to come and journal some quick thoughts I had this morning during my horse chores.
Hoof is really quite sweet. He's kind of like that charming guy that your drawn to, and he makes you laugh and has kind of an impish innocence but you can NEVER trust him.
Not because he doesn't mean well, but because he is irresponsible and doesnt understand the consequences of his actions. Kind of emotionally immature. Hoof does not know how big he is. He may run me down because i'm in his way or because he is running to me for protection. He doesnt know the difference. I remember once when the neighbor was setting off fireworks. It scared him and I was out in the field keeping an eye on the horses just in case they ran the fence or something. Well, he hears a  firework and runs straight at me. Luckily I had the carrot stick(parelli folks know what I mean ) it's a directional tool. Anyway, I shooed him away with it. I am convinced he was running to me to hide behind me. Like I said he doesn't know how big he is.
This morning after I fed , I realized the fans were not pointed downward as much as they could be. It would be a help to the horses to keep the flies off their legs while eating their hay.
I decided to adjust them. I went to the shed to get the step ladder. Hoof saw that and got so scared. He ran out of the barn. My other horse Hershey just went right on eating his hay barely noticing me. Hoof stayed out of the barn till I was done.
I think Hoof is a very scared horse. Scared of everything but what fools you is that he's also very cocky and seems like he's such a cool dude. He has a sunken eye on one side of his face and it might make his eyesight not quite right which probably contributes to his fears.
I understand fears. I am afraid of life in general. Maybe Hoof is too. But I understand the feeling of being a prey animal. Always looking over your shoulder for the next threat. It's not a fun place to be. That does make it hard for me to  keep him out of my space because I feel sorry for him or want to mother him and nurture him , even though I know that if I show him real leadership he will feel safer being with me. I guess this is a block i have to overcome, but part of me doesn't want to. I still want to baby him. But thats not fair to him is it? He loves to have his ears scratched and his chin scratched, and sometimes he just kind of leans against me like AWE mama. I love you.  Maybe i'm afraid he wont love me anymore if I am firm with him. Also I dont seem to have enough self confidence to be sure that i'm being a fair in my judgements. For instance if i'm firm with him, I will always , a few minutes later second guess myself and say, oh what if i was too quick or too firm . I did the same thing with my poor daughter. I would try to discipline and then I would second guess the discipline and undo the punishment. OOO KKKK. I'll put the phone back in your room Tash, but DONT be on it after 10 pm! Then of course it would happen again because , well she was a teenager.